I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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