38 yer olds are good kisserssss
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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