Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
try to milk me bitch
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
