Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
