Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
