I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
