i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
