my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
