Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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