i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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