I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The feeling are messing with the penis
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
