Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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