I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
