My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
