I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
