Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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