if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
