Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
