i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
