Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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