"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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