Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
