Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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