Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
