Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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