Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So vagazzling was a success
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
