I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
