come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
