Yo dont text me then not text me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
