And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
