my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
