He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
my liver is dry heaving
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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