Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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