I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
