Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
