"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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