Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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