I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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