YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
