If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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