don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
