My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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