Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize