These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
soo... how was my night?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
