Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
