my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
