If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
