Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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