If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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