just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
