Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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