i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
