So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
