You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
