He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we're making bets on your personal life
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
