Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
