i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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