This is not my ceiling
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she peed on how many people?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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